The Poncho Madness Must Stop

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've noticed the poncho craze that's sweeping our city, and indeed, our nation. They're everywhere! You can't walk into a single Starbucks in Lincoln Park these days without seeing some young lass struggling to balance her Kate Spade purse, her fat-free muffin and her double skim latte with the severely-restricted condition I like to call "poncho arms." This illustrates the first problem with the poncho: it makes even the simplest of daily tasks ridiculously hard. (Garron -- who hates ponchos much more than me -- actually sent me a link to online mag Slate, which published a great article last week chronicalling the condition and debunking other poncho myths.) More importantly, these things are just ugly. But don't take my word for it; I offer photographic evidence of some truly hideous ponchos (is there any other kind?):


Here's Leeza Gibbons of Entertainment Tonight looking just awful (although she did get her lipstick to match her poncho!).


Courtney Love, embarrassed that she has actually been caught on camera in this poncho (note the difficulty she is having balancing her Frappucino and sundry other items with the notorious "poncho arms").


Oh Lenny, and to think I used to find you sexy!!!



This poor model shrunk her poncho in the wash, and now it won't fit over her head! Too bad, because she looks cold.

Anyway, my growing hatred for ponchos reached a climax last week when I walked into Walgreens at North and Wells and saw that they are now selling "lace" ponchos for $8.99. It had just gone too far, and at that moment, I knew I had to do something. Unless you're pregnant (in which case the poncho can be a useful form of bump camouflage), you have no excuse for wearing an item that Sears.com proclaims "this year's must-have fall fashion item."

I bought up as many of those damn ugly Walgreens ponchos as I could, and took them to a party I threw at a bar on Friday night. I then doled them out to all my friends (Mia won't let me publish the picture -- it's too frightening). I figured that when confronted with a bunch of ponchos en masse, the ladies of Chicago would be forced to take a look and really see for the first time how ugly and unfashionable the poncho is.

Unfortunately, my plan failed miserably. We hadn't been there five minutes when a girl walked up and complimented us on our "super cute" outerwear. "Where did you get those?" she asked. "I've been looking for one just like that."

Arrrgggghhh! I may just have to hide under a rock until this is all over.